Train Whistle, Sweet Clementine

Don’t you hate it when you’re eating salad and you get to the end of the salad dressing but there’s too much actual salad left to eat dry, and you feel mildly guilty and childish for wanting more dressing and then you get mad and say, I’ll eat all the fucking dressing I want, while drowning your vegetables in too much ranch or Cesar or whatever, and then you regret it but eat it anyway? Yeah, me too.

So. Here we are. It’s good to see you, blog. I haven’t been avoiding you, I just got busy with life. I’m not going to bother with a narrative. Have this list instead.

What I Did in My Absence:

1. Ballooned up to 293 pounds.
2. Struggled with uncontrolled high blood pressure.
3. Lost all the weight plus more. I was at 279 today.
4. Celebrated getting off of all my blood pressure medication. Still keeping a watchful eye on it though.
5. Restored a friendship.
6. Began applying for jobs.
7. Lifted out of the last swirling cloud remnants of depression.

Things have not gone according to plan. It was never in my plans for something wonderful and amazing to happen. But something did. If you had tortured and interrogated me about what could possibly heal me, I would never have come up with this answer in time to save my life. Let me tell you a short story of serendipity.

I met the boy who would become my best friend when we were fourteen. Choir, French, cigarettes, laughing, rumors, food, music, eternal conversation. And then we moved in together. It got tense, as happens sometimes with friends who live together. And then he got cancer. I don’t want to think about that time. He recovered, we didn’t. He moved away for work. But slowly, year by year, we reached out a bit more. And then he told me he was in town, with his mother and daughter. They needed a place to stay. They stayed for four months. 120 days of reconnecting, recovering, and making each other laugh. At first I felt so tired by their company…I realized I was sick in my soul. Now I miss them terribly but I know I’m well. He (and they) pulled me out of my husk, made me feel human again. Did I say this was going to be a short story? I lied, sucka!

*Drops mic.*

*Picks up mic because it was an accident.*

*Dusts off mic and replaces it properly.*


Gee Willikers, Heavens to Betsy

It’s weigh-in Wednesday! I hopped on the scale this morning expecting the worst. But somehow, despite the enormous dinner I ate last night, I managed to lose two pounds. My total weight loss is four pounds and my new weight is 282.

Yesterday, realizing I had no cash and a  nicotine habit, I decided to sell some things I had laying around. I don’t smoke but I do vape. I found a shop with e-liquid, 30 ml for $7.99. By the time I was done selling, I had made $15 more than I needed and it was two hours past dinner. Hunger and extra cash led to a regrettable decision. I’m positive that if I had not eaten the great quantity of takeout that I did, my weigh in would’ve been even better.

Eating food I prepare at home has done wonders for my habit of binge eating. It’s almost impossible to binge when there’s nothing at the ready to stuff into my face hole. I say almost because if I truly want to, I could always cook something. Luckily I’m too lazy to do this. See, laziness does come in handy!

As I ate my double cheeseburger last night, I was amazed at how full I felt. I had forgotten the feeling of eating to an uncomfortable fullness. The discomfort lasted an hour or so. I can’t believe that I ate that way for over twenty years.

Instead of the $.89(?) I had planned, I spent $12 on dinner last night. This number has wiped the smile from my face. But this is a work in progress, so I’ll take this as a lesson learned.


Impatient Twitching

Making all my meals from scratch is harder than I anticipated. I guess I should re-word that. Finding the motivation to get off my ass and research healthy and inexpensive meals has been difficult. Fighting off twenty years of bad habits has been difficult. Willing myself to clean up after baking bread has been a downright battle. The actual cooking part is pretty much delightful. Especially when my daughter gives the meal her seal of approval. I am pretty damn pleased with myself for knowing and controlling the sodium content of almost every meal. I gloat to myself that, after I’ve cooked and deboned a whole chicken, I’ve divided the meat into half pound portions, then labeled and frozen them. I feel conscientious knowing exactly where my money is going. Do I fall off the wagon? Sure. Sometimes I can’t resist the call of the honeybun. But for the most part, I’m doing pretty darn well.

I was hoping this new way of eating would induce a bit of weight loss. I’ve seriously dieted (is that a word? Swype seems to think it isn’t) twice before. Each time, it was the ketogenic diet. If I could afford it, I would still be doing it. The diet is very low carb with the goal being 25 grams of carbohydrates a day or whatever amount of carbs you can consume and still be in ketosis.  The state of ketosis is when your body, unable to use carbohydrates for energy, begins using up your fat. I can’t provide a scientific break down of the process, but it worked quite well for me. My carb limit was 75 grams. If I stayed at around 50, my results were even better. I lost 26 pounds in six weeks and brought my fasting blood sugar down to 79 at its lowest. The drawback for me is that it requires eating plenty of meat or protein sources. Protein is expensive, if you eat it for all three meals, daily. Unless you commit to eating eggs all day. I could not. Maybe there is a way to be frugal on a keto diet, but I couldn’t figure it out. So as much as I loved the dramatic results of keto, I’ve abandoned it for now.

I don’t know why, but I’m weird about weighing myself with people in the house. As soon as I was alone, I raced to the scale. (Yes, fat people can be quick.) In my heart of hearts, I was hoping for a miracle. Outrageous numbers flashed through my mind. So I stepped on and moved the scale to my previous weight, 286. Hooray, that was too high! I inched the levers down until they balanced. 283.

Ok. I can live with that. Granted, I’m used to the first week miracle of keto, where I’d lose nine pounds. So I was slightly disappointed. But I think a slow weight loss, using home made food that is easy on the wallet,is not too shabby.

283. Still super-morbidly obese? Yes. There actually isn’t a higher weight classification than that, which depresses me slightly. If I can manage to lose 10 pounds, I’ll be classified as morbidly obese. If I lost 65 pounds and weighed 218, I’d be plain old obese. Should I lose 120 pounds and weigh 163, I would be overweight. That amazes me that I am this heavy. I could lose an entire woman and still be overweight. If I lost 157 pounds, my weight would be normal, at 136. Even if I lost 178 pounds, my weight would be in the normal range, although I can’t imagine weighing 104. Damn, I feel like I should’ve made a chart for all that. As a consolation prize for having read all that, here’s some more reading!

BMI Classification

Normal: 19-24

Overweight: 25-29

Obese: 30-39

Morbidly Obese: 40-49

Super-morbidly Obese: 50+

Here is a link to a BMI calculator: