Train Whistle, Sweet Clementine

Don’t you hate it when you’re eating salad and you get to the end of the salad dressing but there’s too much actual salad left to eat dry, and you feel mildly guilty and childish for wanting more dressing and then you get mad and say, I’ll eat all the fucking dressing I want, while drowning your vegetables in too much ranch or Cesar or whatever, and then you regret it but eat it anyway? Yeah, me too.

So. Here we are. It’s good to see you, blog. I haven’t been avoiding you, I just got busy with life. I’m not going to bother with a narrative. Have this list instead.

What I Did in My Absence:

1. Ballooned up to 293 pounds.
2. Struggled with uncontrolled high blood pressure.
3. Lost all the weight plus more. I was at 279 today.
4. Celebrated getting off of all my blood pressure medication. Still keeping a watchful eye on it though.
5. Restored a friendship.
6. Began applying for jobs.
7. Lifted out of the last swirling cloud remnants of depression.

Things have not gone according to plan. It was never in my plans for something wonderful and amazing to happen. But something did. If you had tortured and interrogated me about what could possibly heal me, I would never have come up with this answer in time to save my life. Let me tell you a short story of serendipity.

I met the boy who would become my best friend when we were fourteen. Choir, French, cigarettes, laughing, rumors, food, music, eternal conversation. And then we moved in together. It got tense, as happens sometimes with friends who live together. And then he got cancer. I don’t want to think about that time. He recovered, we didn’t. He moved away for work. But slowly, year by year, we reached out a bit more. And then he told me he was in town, with his mother and daughter. They needed a place to stay. They stayed for four months. 120 days of reconnecting, recovering, and making each other laugh. At first I felt so tired by their company…I realized I was sick in my soul. Now I miss them terribly but I know I’m well. He (and they) pulled me out of my husk, made me feel human again. Did I say this was going to be a short story? I lied, sucka!

*Drops mic.*

*Picks up mic because it was an accident.*

*Dusts off mic and replaces it properly.*


Mambo Number Five

I’m not going to bother waiting until Wednesday, I’ll just give you the goods right now. I gained all my weight back. Granted, it was only four pounds, but I was proud of my four little pounds. 

March has been miserable and it was my own doing. I never made a monthly menu and I spent all my money as soon as it came into my hands. 

But it hasn’t been completely bad. I’ve been engaging with friends in real life as opposed to on social media. I’ve made the menu for April as well as a shopping list for ingredients. I actually used the budget app that I downloaded and budgeted my finances until January of next year. I’m taking steps to put my life back on track and I feel more in control.

Last but not least, I’ve decided to try the ketogenic diet yet again. I’ll still be making everything at home, I just feel like I need to accelerate the weight loss process. Yes, it’s a bit more costly, but I cut certain other things from my life to make this possible.

Now comes the hard part: getting through the next two weeks before I go grocery shopping again. I’m impatient. And poor. I’ve got tuna to get me through, thankfully. And a couple of chickens for my daughter’s dinners, plus rice and pasta. I’ll update when I have good news.

Are You What You Are Or What

It’s funny how once I stumble, I use it as an excuse to fall flat on my face and lie on the ground feeling sorry for myself. Did I say funny? I meant pathetic. 

I’ve been backsliding with all my might, doing it with zeal, shouting, “fuck you, me!” I didn’t post my menu or my weigh in because I didn’t make a menu or weigh myself. I’ve been eating restaurant food despite the fact that my budget has been screaming at me and begging for asylum. What in the actual fuck is my problem?

This is not the time for excuses. This is the time for action. 

As of today I weigh 284. I gained back two of the pounds I lost and am at an overall loss of two pounds.

I had my thyroid checked a few months ago and I was actually hoping I had hypothyroidism. I have many of the symptoms and it would explain so much. But my numbers appear normal, so it’s back to the drawing board.

For the remainder of the week, I’m going to be eating tuna over a salad for dinner. That was meant to be my lunch all week but I’ve been eating takeout. I don’t want the vegetables to go to waste. 

I really dislike writing about my failures, but I want to be  honest if nothing else. 

I need to get my body moving. A friend suggested yoga and I think that’s an excellent idea. I’m going to look through YouTube for beginner’s yoga. I took a belly dance class and the instructor had us do yoga as a warm up. After one of the steps, I felt all my stress leaving my body and a sensation of peace so powerful that  tears came to my eyes.

I really dislike exercise videos with fast dance steps that I have to memorize. I always end up marching in place. Which is strange because I adore Just Dance and can play for about forty five minutes. I guess the exercise videos I’ve used are lame. I’ll stick to the Wii and yoga. I need to do something to make me feel good.

Frat Bro Dream Girl

Last night I did an experiment. I laid still in bed and listened. Sure enough, my bed was squeaking. It had been squeaking while I played a game on my phone which I thought was slightly unreasonable. It only takes one finger to play Bejeweled Blitz you know. You don’t have to be so dramatic, bed. But it continued even when I did nothing but breathe. Was I shaking? I consulted with the internet and it turns out I don’t have Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis, or lupus. I might have a condition called shaking-bed-itis. Or I might be a paranoid asshole with a cheap bed frame. I like to think there was a mild earthquake (that only I noticed because I’m so super special and important). A forty five minute one.

I’ve actually broken a bed before. Twice really, but the first time I weighed one hundred pounds less than I do now and it was sex related, so that doesn’t count. The second time, I had a wooden bed frame. For a couple of weeks before the incident, my bed creaked every time I got on. I ignored it for some reason, maybe figuring that was just what wooden beds did. A friend came to visit and spent the night. My friend was roughly my size but quite a bit taller. Deep in the night I woke up to a sudden horrid CRACK and the mattress then dipped down on the left side. We got up and sorted ourselves out. We rearranged the remains of the bed so that the mattress and box spring were on the floor. All of the rumbling woke up my mom who texted me, “What’s all that noise? Is Sofia cleaning?” Implying that cleaning was needed. Also implying that my daughter, perhaps five at the time, would be more likely to clean than either my myself or my friend. Pretty clever jab for it being the middle of the night, I have to admit. The bed, under warranty, was repaired and broke again in the same spot two years later. I threw it out.

Being obese has led to some strange and sometimes humiliating situations. I took a bowling class in college to fulfill a kinesiology requirement. I couldn’t bend over to put on the bowling shoes. Well, I could have, if I’d unbuttoned my pants. I was unwilling to do this so I slipped the shoes on and then contorted in all kinds of unattractive ways to tie them. I wore stretchy elastic waist pants to bowling from then on. For my second kinesiology class I took weight lifting. This was much more fun than bowling. You know how some women are afraid to weight train because they think they’ll bulk up and it’s complete bullshit? Well it’s not bullshit at all in my case. My muscles were born to bulk. I don’t mind though. I took weight lifting in high school with the same result. I was leaning on the desk at work one day and a co-worker poked my arm and then demanded, “what the hell is that?!” Followed by more jabbing and squeezing. He was amazed at the hardness of my arm and I was proud.

After graduation, I went back to school for my master’s. I decided to take advantage of the gym and even hired a trainer to help me get the most of my workouts. She encouraged me to get on the stationary bike. It was tall, I’m short, and I expressed my doubts. I worried it would tip while I mounted it. She cheered me on and helped me up. I rode two happy miles before moving on. My tailbone (and really my entire body) ached later. As the soreness wore off, my tailbone hurt even more. I figured that was the price to pay for putting 286 pounds of pressure on one small bone, on the bike. Three days later I was in terrible pain. I thought I’d fractured it, and as there’s nothing to be done for a fractured tailbone, I suffered on. On Sunday it began to bleed. I decided to go to the ER where I was surprised to learn I had a fever. And a pilonidal cyst. And a staph infection. I was on antibiotics for a month before it healed. Had I not been obese, I wouldn’t have thought my weight caused me to fracture my tailbone. I would have gone to the Dr sooner. Maybe. I still have a lump so I’m aware it could act up at any time.

I clipped my toenails the other day for the first time in forever. My daughter’s father was fond of saying that I could climb trees with the claws on my feet. Clipping them was difficult and I did a shit job.

I’m really not proud of all this. Getting it all out is so much better than holding it in, though. I don’t want to go through any of this anymore. Eating at home is good for me but I need things to move along a little faster. Time to get drastic.

How to be Fat

Step one: Never, ever exercise. Never even do anything that might be considered exercise-like. If you drop something, under no circumstances are you to bend over and pick it up. Instead, kick it out of sight. But don’t expend too much energy! If you can’t reach something without stretching, consider it non-existent. If possible, eat laying down. Which brings me to…

Step two: Always overeat. Remember to add empty calories to your meals, preferably in sugar form. Don’t forget dessert because this is where you can really go for it by adding things like caramel syrup, marshmallow cream, toffee bits, etc. 

Step three: Stay far away from mirrors and scales. These evil creations were designed to discourage you from your true destiny.

Step four: Subscribe to big and tall or plus size clothing catalogs. Keep a sharp eye out for elastic waist pants. You’re going to need them.

This post has been brought to you by the fact that I GAINED a pound this week. I’m obviously not serious about the, “advice,” I’ve given. Just using sarcasm to vent.