Are You What You Are Or What

It’s funny how once I stumble, I use it as an excuse to fall flat on my face and lie on the ground feeling sorry for myself. Did I say funny? I meant pathetic. 

I’ve been backsliding with all my might, doing it with zeal, shouting, “fuck you, me!” I didn’t post my menu or my weigh in because I didn’t make a menu or weigh myself. I’ve been eating restaurant food despite the fact that my budget has been screaming at me and begging for asylum. What in the actual fuck is my problem?

This is not the time for excuses. This is the time for action. 

As of today I weigh 284. I gained back two of the pounds I lost and am at an overall loss of two pounds.

I had my thyroid checked a few months ago and I was actually hoping I had hypothyroidism. I have many of the symptoms and it would explain so much. But my numbers appear normal, so it’s back to the drawing board.

For the remainder of the week, I’m going to be eating tuna over a salad for dinner. That was meant to be my lunch all week but I’ve been eating takeout. I don’t want the vegetables to go to waste. 

I really dislike writing about my failures, but I want to be  honest if nothing else. 

I need to get my body moving. A friend suggested yoga and I think that’s an excellent idea. I’m going to look through YouTube for beginner’s yoga. I took a belly dance class and the instructor had us do yoga as a warm up. After one of the steps, I felt all my stress leaving my body and a sensation of peace so powerful that  tears came to my eyes.

I really dislike exercise videos with fast dance steps that I have to memorize. I always end up marching in place. Which is strange because I adore Just Dance and can play for about forty five minutes. I guess the exercise videos I’ve used are lame. I’ll stick to the Wii and yoga. I need to do something to make me feel good.


How to be Fat

Step one: Never, ever exercise. Never even do anything that might be considered exercise-like. If you drop something, under no circumstances are you to bend over and pick it up. Instead, kick it out of sight. But don’t expend too much energy! If you can’t reach something without stretching, consider it non-existent. If possible, eat laying down. Which brings me to…

Step two: Always overeat. Remember to add empty calories to your meals, preferably in sugar form. Don’t forget dessert because this is where you can really go for it by adding things like caramel syrup, marshmallow cream, toffee bits, etc. 

Step three: Stay far away from mirrors and scales. These evil creations were designed to discourage you from your true destiny.

Step four: Subscribe to big and tall or plus size clothing catalogs. Keep a sharp eye out for elastic waist pants. You’re going to need them.

This post has been brought to you by the fact that I GAINED a pound this week. I’m obviously not serious about the, “advice,” I’ve given. Just using sarcasm to vent.


Impatient Twitching

Making all my meals from scratch is harder than I anticipated. I guess I should re-word that. Finding the motivation to get off my ass and research healthy and inexpensive meals has been difficult. Fighting off twenty years of bad habits has been difficult. Willing myself to clean up after baking bread has been a downright battle. The actual cooking part is pretty much delightful. Especially when my daughter gives the meal her seal of approval. I am pretty damn pleased with myself for knowing and controlling the sodium content of almost every meal. I gloat to myself that, after I’ve cooked and deboned a whole chicken, I’ve divided the meat into half pound portions, then labeled and frozen them. I feel conscientious knowing exactly where my money is going. Do I fall off the wagon? Sure. Sometimes I can’t resist the call of the honeybun. But for the most part, I’m doing pretty darn well.

I was hoping this new way of eating would induce a bit of weight loss. I’ve seriously dieted (is that a word? Swype seems to think it isn’t) twice before. Each time, it was the ketogenic diet. If I could afford it, I would still be doing it. The diet is very low carb with the goal being 25 grams of carbohydrates a day or whatever amount of carbs you can consume and still be in ketosis.  The state of ketosis is when your body, unable to use carbohydrates for energy, begins using up your fat. I can’t provide a scientific break down of the process, but it worked quite well for me. My carb limit was 75 grams. If I stayed at around 50, my results were even better. I lost 26 pounds in six weeks and brought my fasting blood sugar down to 79 at its lowest. The drawback for me is that it requires eating plenty of meat or protein sources. Protein is expensive, if you eat it for all three meals, daily. Unless you commit to eating eggs all day. I could not. Maybe there is a way to be frugal on a keto diet, but I couldn’t figure it out. So as much as I loved the dramatic results of keto, I’ve abandoned it for now.

I don’t know why, but I’m weird about weighing myself with people in the house. As soon as I was alone, I raced to the scale. (Yes, fat people can be quick.) In my heart of hearts, I was hoping for a miracle. Outrageous numbers flashed through my mind. So I stepped on and moved the scale to my previous weight, 286. Hooray, that was too high! I inched the levers down until they balanced. 283.

Ok. I can live with that. Granted, I’m used to the first week miracle of keto, where I’d lose nine pounds. So I was slightly disappointed. But I think a slow weight loss, using home made food that is easy on the wallet,is not too shabby.

283. Still super-morbidly obese? Yes. There actually isn’t a higher weight classification than that, which depresses me slightly. If I can manage to lose 10 pounds, I’ll be classified as morbidly obese. If I lost 65 pounds and weighed 218, I’d be plain old obese. Should I lose 120 pounds and weigh 163, I would be overweight. That amazes me that I am this heavy. I could lose an entire woman and still be overweight. If I lost 157 pounds, my weight would be normal, at 136. Even if I lost 178 pounds, my weight would be in the normal range, although I can’t imagine weighing 104. Damn, I feel like I should’ve made a chart for all that. As a consolation prize for having read all that, here’s some more reading!

BMI Classification

Normal: 19-24

Overweight: 25-29

Obese: 30-39

Morbidly Obese: 40-49

Super-morbidly Obese: 50+

Here is a link to a BMI calculator: